The Book of Isms: Part 4, Nos. 121-200

The look on Skeleton’s face says it all.

What was I thinking!? I’m glad some thirteen years have passed since I had the absence of mind to write this ceaseless drivel. It remains true that some are still funny or occasionally insightful. There might even be some prescience to a few ideas…but I kinda doubt it.

Want to start at the beginning?

• Though I haven’t personally experienced such a thing myself, I’ve heard watching too much TeeVee will give you butt rot.
• “Put it in your mouth.”
• I think it’s safe to say that in this modern age, just about everyone gets pissed off when the Internet goes down.
• While I’m at it, fuck Bill Gates
• I’d give cooking show host Rachel Ray a 30 minute meal
• A Patty Wong has sucked a dong.
• The Super Adventures of John McLane
• I would love to see someone vomit on a televangelist.
• Garf is just another word for one ugly bitch
• All former Enron execs should have bottles of champagne opened up their ass for punishment.
• Who wouldn’t pay money to see Gallagher crush Bill O’Reilly’s head with a sledgehammer?
• I have only two words for George Carlin: Rock On
• More people have probably died for religion than lived for it.
• Hugh Hefner gets my respect.

Volume 2

• You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.
• Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate
• Fuckity fuckerson
• Think globally, act locally
• I’ve never understood mullets.
• I question whether or not Winston Churchill was actually sober in the morning.
• Ironically, sperm is one of the few things humans (specifically females) eat that’s still alive.
• “I just became an English major.” “It happens to the best of us.”
• Michael Jackson has been saying, “your butt is mine” since 1987.
• Plot Twists: Mother finds child
• Metaphorically, R.L. Stein’s ‘Goosebumps’ books are the real world equivalent to pissing down children’s throats.
• I have two words of advice for Jean-Claude Van Damme: Go away
• At one point or another, we’ve all been frutally rused.
• They’re also skank hoes and shouldn’t be tolerated.
• “I wanna share in your misery!”
• Everyone is wearing Hawaiian shirts at my funeral. I insist on it.
• Are there adjectives for everything?
• I’ve read more Star Wars books that I’ll ever publicly admit to.
• Why aren’t there ever any gigantic crack busts you hear about?
• After thinking about it, it makes perfect sense that ping pong is the national sport of China.
• Will the world cry when Paul McCartney dies? I don’t think so.
• I have faith in your abilities as an incompetent fool.
• If the general populace were smarter throughout history, would there still be a god?
• Holy fucking shit…a dude I saw earlier had hair on his upper back that looked like a Rorschach test.
• Rich bitch, dead in a ditch. Young gay couple, recently hitched. Condemned by President Bush, poor Frank and Mitch. Frank slobs that knob, night after night, since Mitch has the never-ending itch.
• The truth can be more annoying than sweet tooth.
• Bush and Blow are synonymous in more ways than one.
• Someone out there is named Dick Ray.
• I can accept the fact that I suck.
• Thankfully, religion is one of the few things that isn’t genetically inherited.
• It would suck if you were an immortal that had Alzheimer’s disease.
• Let’s face it, no human being is objective in my subjective opinion.
• Just because something is deemed unconstitutional doesn’t mean it isn’t ultimately right.
• You don’t know what fucked up is until you hear everyone speaking in tongues as they walk past you.
• Lord, I would ask you to forgive me for being a moron, but then again, you made me as such.
• I don’t regret what I say, only how people react.
• My personality is very much geared towards, “…and your point is?”
• Know your limits, then try to exceed them.
• If only ignorance was a fad.
• Are there butch tales in addition to fairy tales?
• Sculder and Mully
• All right…so the Merovingian lineage claims to be descendants of Christ. Weird…so does that make them French and Jewish?
• If you unbuckle your seat belt moments before an accident, in one way or another you’ll be like Christopher Reeve.
• What a dispiriting bitch!
• My ultimate goal for this project is to have people read this while taking the regular deuce.
• Plop
• I thought you could be a friend when I first met you. But after 5 minutes, decidedly not.
• “We’re the Jet Set! Now don’t be afraid to move up front and shake your asses. That’s what we’re here for.
• Reginald VelJohnson. What a name, what a guy.
• How the hell did a talentless whore like Britney Spears become a multimillionaire?
• “I want your pubes! (sniff) I’ll give you dollas!”
• Making a difference doesn’t always pay so well.
• Paris Hilton is an epic slut – courtesy of Dan Steelman
• In the Hindu caste system, Simon Cowell would be an undesirable.
• “I’m brown!”
• What if Kennedy were accidentally for parts for the Pope Mobile?
• I would wager that Rick James has been more fucked up on coke than 95% of coke users…and that 5% is likely overdosed and dead.
• Everyone breaks my shit but me. Why?
• Everyone is secretly a Billy Joel fan, myself included.
• Elton John can suck a dick.
• I can’t say I want to write for money, but I’ll print for it.
• Diana Ross was an amazing singer. Then, she became a drunk old hag.
• Keep fucking them until they’re dead.
• It’s hilarious that Garfunkel was busted for pot while Simon is the obvious bud advocate.
• Because honestly, who the hell out there has immense respect for Art Garfunkel?
• Anyone?